Defensive Spoon: How to take Advice with a Chronic Condition

September 12, 2019 admin

“Have you tried Yoga?”

“My niece had that – she just drank more water and was fine.”

“You’re probably just stressed – try a sleep aid!”

“You could take an ibuprofen for that.”

One of the most popular memes in the chronic illness/ invisible illness community rotates around the above statements that we’ve all heard a million times. It most definitely gets old, especially when it feels like people are minimizing a fairly serious medical condition by offering the most simple and obvious solution out there.

“You’re right, Brenda [Sergeant], I bet if I just chugged a few bottles of water, I WOULD feel better. Really wish I had thought of that in the last two years of dizziness and jell-o legs and literal fainting.”

The initial reaction to these kinds of statements is always the same – bitterness, defensiveness, “what – ya think ya betta dan meh?”

But what if it wasn’t?

I’m human (shocker), so of course there are times when I prickle at people’s medical advice to fix this thing. Even when the person is a medical professional. I’ve been pawned off to thirteen different doctors now, none of whom have read my entire medical file, and all of whom ask the same damned first question – “And how much water do you drink?” I think it’s a normal reaction to write off every single person who speaks to you about your condition after the first hundred people or so give the same advice (and doubtful expression). Cue the audible scoff and eye roll.

But I’m trying to stop doing that. Not because I think these random people who barely know me have some kind of Beautiful Mind genius insight into my medical history. But because I’m trying to start seeing the good in people again.

So I started asking myself: Where does defensive behavior come from, and how can we, in the context of chronic medical conditions, continue to have healthy interactions with other human beings without the knee-jerk scoff and eye roll reaction?

Defensive behavior “is an unconscious and automatic response to perceived danger, whether or not it makes sense to others,” says Linda Carroll, family and couples therapist of over 35 years.

Carroll writes that some people are wired to respond more frequently to sensory stimuli, learned from some variety of trauma or consistent threat they’ve experienced in the past. “Often their bodies remain on high alert, and they perpetually scan the environment for danger.”

I would imagine those of us constantly on high alert, waiting for a flare-up, might fall into that category.

You know how, when you’re car shopping, you suddenly see all the brands and models you’re considering everywhere? Well, when you’re in a state of mind where the entire world could trigger symptoms that would leave you in a vulnerable state, the entire world BECOMES that trigger, and you, my friend, are on the defensive.

Shields up, weapons out, puffer fish spines pointed at all the things.

We’re literally waiting to be attacked by our surroundings and our own body at every waking (and, for some, sleeping) moment. It’s absolutely exhausting.

Turns out, it also becomes a learned behavior to the extent of altering biological chemistry.

Every person has their own biological instinct to go into fight or flight mode when a perceived threat presents itself. Let me say that again. It’s instinct. It’s not intentional. Reverting to defensive language or behavior is a natural reaction to a perceived threat.

For those with a chronic medical condition, that perceived threat is someone minimizing your medical condition with over simplified advice, when it’s very likely that someone minimizing your medical condition has left you in extreme discomfort or even pain in the past. It’s your natural reaction to lump these individuals together and hand out “harumph”s free of charge.

What this attitude leaves us with, I think, is an additional layer of bitterness buttercream and animosity cherries on top of what is already a pretty shit-filled pastry.

What we need more than anything is a more understanding, better informed world.

Reacting to casual, well-intended medical advice with a “GTFO” probably isn’t going to cultivate that variety of world.

I think there are a few takeaways we can glean from this that will improve our mental and emotional health in dealing with it, and maybe spread some knowledge as well.

First, change your mind frame.

Rather than jumping to the conclusion that these individuals think I’m an incapable idiot, or faking for attention, I’m putting myself in their shoes, using the me that I was before I starting experiencing symptoms as my frame of reference. How did I react to situations when presented with a problem?

I fixed them.

Most human beings are natural problem-solvers. It’s how we got to the top of the food chain.

Entrepreneur and start-up guru Dale Partridge says defensive people are less likely to be successful, because the physical reaction to fight will prevent them from listening to someone who could provide them with a growth opportunity. “Instead [of reacting], look at their heart and decide if their words are intended to be helpful. If the moment is painful but not harmful, push away your own need to react.”

So give your advisor the benefit of a doubt. Assume that they’re well-intended and truly want to help you or don’t know what else to say. For some folks, providing a contribution of “Oh my niece had that…” or “I read that yoga really helps…” is their way of saying “I care about and acknowledge what you’re going through.”

Other folks are assholes and maybe ARE trying to say more than what they’re saying. But – does that really affect you? What if you took away the control that negativity had on you by choosing your reaction to their bull-hockey? What do you lose in that scenario? Not much. But it does save you a “DANGER, WILL ROBINSON” moment, and we could all use a break from those.

Second, embrace an opportunity to teach.

As Carroll advises, “Cultivate curiosity instead of judgment.” Likelihood is that this individual doesn’t know much about your condition, and as annoying as that might be, it’s not necessarily their fault. If we all took up opportunities to share information rather than shut down when someone approaches us with a differing understanding or opinion, I think we’d live in a vastly more open and informed world. So take up the chalk, buy a blazer with elbow pads, and educate. “You know, Aunt Becky, I really appreciate that, but I actually do have to stay on this particular medication because it keeps my heart from literally bursting out of my chest and making me die.”

On the last note – and hear me out – what if they’re right?

Come on, really, hear me out. I mean, doctors can be helpful. Medication can be necessary sometimes. Rest is the beautiful mythical creature all spoonies dream of. But did it ever occur to anyone that part of the reason they keep getting the same advice over and over again is because there’s literally hundreds or even thousands of studies supporting these remedies? Yes, even for spoonies! Nobody’s saying ditch Dr. Bob and the midocrine. But maybe reading up on a clean eating diet and doing some stretches now and then WOULD help your symptoms. You don’t know until you try, and what’s the worst that could happen? If you’re as desperate as I was a few months ago to find something that makes you feel even fractionally better, what could it hurt to give something that has worked for other people a shot?

Whatever you choose, I think it’s fair to say we could all use a little less negative energy in our lives, and I hope you’re not feeling too puffed up after reading. Let’s all just put the gun down, wrap ourselves up in our safe zone, pop open a salty sports drink, and deflate for a second.

Goose Fraba, everybody.